Without Her
by Irrelevancy
Summary: Haku manages to become human for Chihiro. But she's died. Just a good ole angst fic of killin' off everyone... Kohaku/Chihiro, Haku/Sen if you squint a mighty bit


**A/N: My first ever Spirited Away fic**

**no, I'm not saying that to get pity, only to state a simple fact**

**Though pity wouldn't hurt~**

**It's just such a beautiful movie...**

**truly one of Miyazaki's best works...**

**But me, oh me, I just had to go and kill off both of them...**

**0.o**

**Haha. I'm back to my old habits of killing somebody in every fic...  
**

**Oh wait, I never left them...**

**Please enjoy... as much as you can.**

**^^"**

**Now excuse me while I bash my head into the wall...**

***bam bam bam*  
**

* * *

No. There was no way.

I ran. I ran for that dilapidated blue house on top of the hill, ignoring the trodden dirt path completely, sprinting swiftly up the hill of overgrown weeds, littered with broken miniature shrines. I ran for her house.

The door was opened, interiors dark and ominous. A half-opened door could only mean that they didn't care who entered, or…

Or there was nobody around to care.

My feet froze where they stood, completely defying momentum, whilst my mind raced forward. Of course… Chihiro wasn't here… wasn't here because… because she was… on a vacation. Yes. That's right. Visiting the city where she had moved from. Visiting her old friends. Yes… of course… My hand reached out for the doorknob, but before it could reach, the door slammed with the wind.

A sign. A celestial sign. I'm not meant to go in there.

I tell myself to shut up. No. This was the humans' world. There were no Gods that should exist here. It's just a coincident. Of course.

There's no such thing as a coincident. Zeniba's words.

Still, my hand had a mind of its own. I watched as it clamped around the brass knob, and twisted, pushing the door open. The rusty hinges creaked, the sound reverberating in the dark entryway.

Chihiro's house. I've been in here before, unbeknownst to the girl herself. Well, who's to blame? She, a human, whiles me, a spirit. It couldn't be. But now… Now I can. Now I know. Now… I'm one of her. But Chihiro… where is she? I need her… Need her here…

I enter, walking past a closet… a kitchen… then up a flight of stairs. Right there, at the end of the hall, was a white door that stood out against its mahogany frames. _Haku_… I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from drifting up into the ghost of a smile from the invitation.

This door was closed and locked. I look around for the key, and spotted a glitter on top of the doorframe. I reached up, and pulled it down. A purple hair band, bursting with magic even the mortal I was now could feel. Attached to the end was a key. A white key. I pushed it through the keyhole, and turned, pulling the door open.

Chihiro's room. I haven't seen it in a while in becoming a mortal. The furniture hasn't changed much, with the white futon that always seemed messy, even when it's made, the ash-wood desk piled high with papers, and the old styled lantern that hung above that. But everything had been shifted to fit a new bookshelf against the wall. The shelf was covered with a white curtain, and above, a book mounted on a metal stand. The book had a short, simple title, the black ink prominent against its pastel backdrop: _Haku_. Then underneath, by Ogina… Ogina _Sen_.

Chihiro… Chihiro… My hand moved up to my cheek, only to find it wet with tears. How long had I been crying…? How long had I been trying to hide the truth…?

Zeniba was right. Sometimes, people should just stay as they are.

But no. No, I promised. I made a promise with Chihiro. I would come back. I would come back to her. To meet her again. Yes, we would see each other again. We had to. _I_ had to…

"Who are you?"

I turned around to face the alarmed voice, to find the aged face of what had once been a remarkably pretty woman. The weariness on her face turned into shock.

"You… You are… Kohaku… right?" I nodded in response to her shocked whisper, not knowing what else to do. Her mouth formed a small "O" as she stumbled forward, hands coming up automatically to cover her face as she sobbed into my shoulder. "You're… You're Haku… Chihiro's Haku… I… I'm her mother… Oh… Kohaku…"

With a jolt of shock I realized how she knew me. The book. Of course. Chihiro's book. Chihiro was an author. Her book was about… was about me. The real me. Kohaku.

"I… I'm sorry…" the mother whispered once she's calmed down and was on her feet again. "It's just… her book… Chihiro had explained to me… that this… this Kohaku… you… you are a very important person to her… and she made a promise with you… with you to meet again… She explained everything…"

"I understand," I say soothingly, for she looked as if she was about to burst into tears once again. "I understand…"

"…You know…?" she continued in a soft voice, looking up at me with deep, dark brown eyes. Just like Chihiro's. "In the hospital… When she… when she… _died_… she… cried, you know… She touched my face… and told me that the one thing she… regretted… was that she wasn't able to… to keep your promise… And that… and that I should tell you this… That I should tell Haku this when he comes to see her…"

Guilt… understanding… bitterness… resentment, all swelled up inside me, engulfing all of my senses, forcing them into numb. …Chihiro…

"And that…" No. Stop. I didn't want her to continue. No. The way she bluntly put it, that Chihiro was… was _gone_… I couldn't listen anymore. Yet, no words seem to be able to make it past my throat. "And that you shouldn't… shouldn't be sad… That she's sorry…"

_She_'s sorry…? Why? Why should she apologize? It was me… My fault… Me… If I had come sooner… If I had been able to slip past Yubaba sooner… If I had more courage to turn human sooner…

"…I understand…" I couldn't say anything other than that. No other words could make it past coherency. Only those two stupid, _stupid_ words.

"So please…" She looked at me with sorrowful eyes, pity and plea deep within them, her own sorrows temporarily forgotten. "So please… don't cry…"

I was still crying. How…? I reached up in a futile attempt to brush away those tears. They wouldn't stop. They wouldn't stop flowing. Everything within me went cold. Everything was dead clear to me. The world… That's just the way it is.

I bowed to her, then made my way through the door. My walk turned into swift steps, then into a full out sprint. In record time I was out of the house, down that hill, and on that dirt path back to the tunnel. _That_ tunnel.

_"It is clear to you then? You want to return to the spirit world?"_ Zeniba's voice echoed in my head.

"Yes," I answered, my tone impassive. "I want to return."

_"Why? Because Chihiro is not there? You can't go on in the world without her?"_ she demanded, challenging. But I didn't care. Why should I? It was the truth.

"Yes," I deadpanned, never stopping in my run for the spirit world's gate.

_"And why should I grant such a selfish request? Because of your selfishness I turned you into a human. And now, because of it again, I have to turn you back? It's my magic. I do what I want with it,"_ she spat.

"Alright." My tone was cold and dead. Cruel, even to myself. "I'll just have to go back myself."

_"And how are you going to manage that?"_ I could hear the sneering in her voice. I was a weak, pathetic loser to her. I didn't deserve any pity. And… I couldn't blame her. But… it was just the truth. I can't. I can't go on without Chihiro. No.

I didn't bother answering. She'll find out soon enough. I took a detour from the tunnel. Right before the plaster arch, heading higher, and higher. I know this path from my frequent explorations as a spirit. Every rock, plant, tree was familiar. If I focused enough, I could just forget… just forget about… about Chihiro.

Right there. Above me, through the thick grove of trees. My destination. My last, desperate solution. My only way to join Chihiro.

A cliff.

_"Haku…! You-"_ The surprise covered the fury and disgust in Zeniba's voice. I never stopped my sprint, and let my legs propel myself right off the edge, the momentum carrying me far out before gravity took hold. Funny. It was almost like flying. Like the time when Chihiro had remembered… and told me my name. Nigihayami Kohaku Nushi. I could've laughed at her reaction; the smile through the trailing tears, her words…

_It's like a God's name…!_

And now I look up. Look up at the droplets of water that were my tears defy gravity. At least against me. They looked like gems, glittering in the bright sunlight. It was the exact opposite then. Day and night. Almost ironic. But the most of all different… of course… she wasn't here. She wasn't here with me, holding my hands as we freefall, smiling that beautiful smile.

And now I look down to the water beneath me. An ex-river god, death by drowning. Truly ironic. Almost like Chihiro's story. Almost like_ Sen_'s story, falling into a river… the Kohaku River… me… Except this time… this time I knew. I knew that there was nobody who was going to save me. No one to pull me to shallow waters. No one there for me.

But now I think back, I don't really… want anyone there. This was better. A better end. A more suitable end. After all, what's my life without her? Without Chihiro? If she wasn't there, nobody should be. Nobody _would_ be, I reminded myself. Yes. Chihiro, who was more deity-like than anyone, was pulled away by the Gods. I could go there. I could go there with her. I would follow her. I would live up to our promise. Yes. A promise is a promise after all… And I'm not going to break it.

* * *

**A/N: Ya see?**

**Killed off Chihiro _and _Haku...**

**It's a talent. It must be.**

**Or a curse.**

**Haku: *throttle* HOW COULD YOU KILL OFF CHIHIRO?!?!?**

**Haha... My muse, you come back when this idea pops up, of all times...**

**I must give credit where credit is due though...**

**I do most sincerely apologize, PrincessoftheApples...**

**I loved your fic, Moving On, and I had a sudden urge to write this...**

**and my muse was bitchy enough not to come up with a new... background story**

**but, God knows why, she was alive enough to kill Haku...**

**So, I'm sorry if you're offended in anyway, and that if you really want me to, I'll even take the story off**

**that is, if you reallly reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaally want me to...**

**R&R, please~?**

**Even just to tell me how cruel and evil I am for killing Haku?  
**


End file.
